Posted by cmb | Posted in Internet | Posted on 15-11-2007
Tags: hand_grenade, internal_pressures, kitchen_hob, lava_lamp, metal_car, poor_bastard, shotgun_pellets, totally_awesome
When I’m reading news articles I’m always on the lookout for one phrase. Finding this phrase in a piece of writing is reliable predictor that the text surrounding it is going to be awesome. In short these words just fill me with happiness. Here they are quoted from a recent news article:
Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use.
Why do I like these words? Well for the police to feel it necessary to explicitly tell us that somebody was sober it means they were doing something really, really fucking stupid and got caught out doing it.
The quote above is from a totally awesome story about a guy who (for some reason) decided to put his lava lamp on the kitchen hob and boil it. The materials inside did what materials generally do when they’re heated, they expanded. The glass bottle did what glass bottles generally do when exposed to massive internal pressures: Exploded like a hand grenade.
The poor bastard died when a shard of lava lamp destroyed his heart.
Another more recent example of this phenomenon is the story about a guy who tried to loosen a nut on his car by shooting it with a shotgun*. Sadly for him shotgun pellets bounced off the solid metal car and straight into his soft, fleshy limbs. And yes:
Nobody else was there and he wasn’t intoxicated,” Wilson said.
Fantastic!
If anybody finds more news articles in which the police need to tell the world that “yes, he was sober when he did that” please send them to me.
*In all seriousness I think you could actually use a shotgun to loosen a nut, by placing a spanner on the nut and then shooting the spanner around.
I was just telling a certain red-hurred, manchurian mutual friend about the shooting-wheelnut story today. While doing so, I expressed my disappointment that the despite the news story going into some detail regarding the man’s injury, it failed to tell us a most important piece of information- i.e. is the wheelnut still jammed??