[insert witty title]

Today I fell off my bike, and it got me thinking about all the different times I had managed this feat since arriving in Holland. I remember three different occasions, it seems that I am very accident prone (read: shit at biking), and here they all are:

Crash #1: I’m like the sail on a boat

About two months ago a good friend of mine was leaving Holland for England. She didn’t have enough packing boxes, and I just happened to have a whole pile of the things sat mouldering away in my shed, naturally I volunteered to donate a couple of them to her. To give you some sense of how big these things are, they are full size tea chests, made of very thick cardboard. When they’re flattened down they’re easily over a meter square.

I decided that I would ride my bike with one box under each arm, as walking to her house would take rather a long time. The first section of the journey went just fine, I was riding slowly but surely, whilst cursing the strong wind blowing directly into my face. At one point I clearly recall thinking: “I’m glad this wind isn’t blowing sideways, it would probably knock me off the bike”. Somehow that thought had already left my head when I turned a 90 degree corner, was caught by a strong gust of wind, and was pushed hard into a hedge.

Damage done: Luckily thick cardboard boxes provide a comfy landing mat and I was unhurt.
Lesson learnt: If you have the profile of a ship’s sail do not ride perpendicular to the wind

Crash #2: I can ride through sand!

Riding along the shorefront at Katwijk shortly after a big windstorm I noticed a big pile of sand covering the bike lane, it was around a foot deep, it covered the bike lane left to right and went about 10-12 feet back.

“It’s only sand! Surely my bike will glide over that, for am going very fast” I thought without really thinking. It turns out that in reality roadbikes do not glide over sand drifts. Bikes actually plow into sand drifts, the wheels sink quickly and get choked with sand, the bike begins to skid, if the rider tries to brake his weight is shifted forwards giving the back wheel free reign to go whichever way it chooses, it probably does not go in a straight line, in fact from experience it jackknifes out sideways, and the rider is unceremoniously deposited on the ground.

Damage done: Bruised ego, found out that I did not actually have magic levitating bike powers.
Lesson learnt: You can, in fact, not ride through sand on a road bike.

Crash #3: Shopping Trip (today)

Returning from the Hoogvliet (supermarket) with a heavy load of shopping in a plastic bag gripped by the handle in my left arm. I glance down at my shiny new speedometer, you know, because it’s nice to see how fast I’m going. As I glance down I notice that the handle is slowly tearing from the shopping bag and my shopping will shortly be dashed over the floor. Rather than stop the bike and take care of it I decide that if I lift up the bag, rest it on the cross bar of the bike I’ll be able to readjust my grip lower down on the bag.

Turns out that trying this apparently simple maneuver was not such a good idea. As I lifted the bag up a car pulled out in front of me and I had to brake. The shopping bag swung forwards knocking my left handlebar forwards and causing me to swerve right. At the same time my left knee was raised by my pedalling motion, jamming the bag hard into the underside of the handlebar. I noticed that I was swerving towards a brick wall and leaned hard to the left, simultaneously trying to pull the only brake I could reach (my other hand still stuck in the shopping bag) at the same time I was backpedalling, trying to get the shopping bag free from underside of the handlebar. It almost worked, but by then it was too late and I was out of control, one handed, braking with only the back brake, and drifting closer to a brick wall.

At this point I have a very vivid recollection of what I thought, it was: “Oh, this is not good”

Then I hit the wall. Then I hit the floor.

Damage done: Left elbow is bleeding a lot, my left ankle is looking pretty manky, and my kneecap momentarily popped out of its socket, now I can’t support my own weight on my left leg and it hurts like buggery
Lesson learnt: If things begin to break you probably do need to stop, rather than fix them whilst travelling at 25.3 km/h

In the morning at work I usually take the lift to get to my office, recently I happened to glance at the writing on the lift control panel, here it is:

I’m riding in Schindler’s Lift!

edit: the title of this post is the first part of a Dutch tongue-twister, and translates to “the [good, precise, learned] barber cuts well”

…What the A-Team’s van would look like if they were absolute white trash

(click to embiggen)

Just in case you can’t make out what is airbrushed on the side of the van, here is a closeup:

(click me for largeness)

There was also a picture airbrushed on the other side; it was of an implausibly muscular man, wielding an electrified axe and slaughtering undead. The (I assume) owners of the van were stood nearby, they looked _exactly_ like Wayne and Garth out of Wayne’s World, except obese. From an inspection based entirely on the photographs above, and my own brief glimpse of the owners I would say that they were both into the following things: 1) Iron Maiden 2) World of Warcraft 3) Posting on internet forums about Conan the Barbarian 4) Driving the white-trash mobile around Holland

Bonus picture: A car dealership called “Munters” (explanatory link for non-brits)

Now I know that as a rule lottery scratchcards act as a quick way of the government recouping money they pay out in benefits, but I can’t quite believe this story (bolding mine):

A LOTTERY scratchcard has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn’t understand it.

The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won.

To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.

But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.

Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards.

The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a maths GCSE, said: “On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn’t.

“I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I’m not having it.

“I think Camelot are giving people the wrong impression - the card doesn’t say to look for a colder or warmer temperature, it says to look for a higher or lower number. Six is a lower number than 8. Imagine how many people have been misled.”

A Camelot spokeswoman said the game was withdrawn after reports that some players had not understood the concept.

She said: “The instructions for playing the Cool Cash scratchcard are clear - and are printed on each individual card and in the game procedures available at each retailer. However, because of the potential for player confusion we have decided to withdraw the game.”

Now here’s a familiar idea that may help scratchcard buyers to grasp negative numbers: Debt. “Would you rather be eight pounds in debt, or six pounds?”

^{I am such a fucking snob}

November 5th marks one of the UK’s oddest celebrations, Guy Fawkes night, during which people all over the country light a bonfire and burn an effigy of Guy Fawkes. Guy Fawkes (for those who don’t know) was the fellow who attempted to blow up the houses of parliament in 1605. Being outside the UK at the moment I have ended up fielding a few questions from curious foreigners who have no idea why the British burn the likeness of a 400 year old terrorist. Sadly I struggled with this as (up until yesterday) I had no real idea why these customs exist.

I was sad to find out that our remembrance of Guy Fawkes is nothing to do with liberty, civil rights and freedom from a tyrannical government (as you may assume if you watched V For Vendetta). Guy Fawkes was not some sort of social revolutionary but was actually hired by some Catholic conspirators to blow up Parliament to kill king James I (Fawkes and co were Catholic, James was a Protestant). The whole murder plot was undertaken as part of the Catholic versus Protestant conflict for the British throne.

There is a well known rhyme, often quoted on and around this date, it goes:

However, there is much more illuminating verse that has fallen out of usage due to its uncompromising anti-catholic content:

So on Guy Fawkes night we’re actually celebrating the fact that the British throne remained in Protestant hands, despite the best efforts of that meddlin’ Pope.

Either that or it’s an excuse to light a big fire, and have a good old fashioned effigy burnin’ party.

I would be interested to know what fraction of people who celebrate Guy Fawkes night have even the slightest idea what it’s about (beyond WOOOO! Guy Fawkes is a hero! fuk da government! BU$H and Bliar should be blown up. NO BLOOD FOR OIL)

late edit: One of the wonders of modern technology is that present day terrorists are self-immolating, and as such we don’t need to bother with the bonfire

1. The Dutch are incredibly tall

I’m about the same height as the average girl here. I guess this means that 50% of the female population can look down on me literally as well as figuratively

2. Beer comes in 330ml cans

Beer is generally the same size as a standard coke can. I might take one in to crack open at work.

3. Wine is bloody cheap

Going round to a friend’s house for dinner last night I picked up a bottle of wine, I had to make two passes at the wine rack. It was all so cheap that I assumed it was ordered by price and walked straight to the other end of the rack. Most of the bottles in the supermarket are priced around 3-4 euros (2-2.75 GBP), with the more expensive ones costing around 7-8 euros (about 5 GBP).

I might try and develop a taste for ‘expensive’ wine whilst I’m here so I can act like a real snob back in England

4. The language is weird

Sometimes dutch seems like the easiest language in the world,

English: Welcome aboard the train
Dutch: Welkom op de trein

Other times it is just mental, and I’ll never learn to pronounce anything

English: please
Dutch: alstjeblieft

English: multiply
Dutch: vermenigvuldig

5. When you buy a cucumber from the supermarket it is not wrapped in plastic

What the fuck.

6. When you buy a courgette from the supermarket it IS wrapped in plastic

I seriously thought this and the cucumber thing would be standard over the whole world

7. vla is pretty awesome

It is a sort of sweet, smooth yoghurt sold in cardboard cartons. It is quite similar to custard, but is eaten cold and comes in about a bazillion different flavours.

The average Dutch person gets through 10kg of vla a year

Sorry this blog has been quiet for the past few days, but I do have an excuse. Actually I have a few of them, which are all happening in one single week:

• Gemma is moving to a new house
• I am also moving to a new house, but to a different one than Gemma
• Gemma’s sister is getting married, and we are helping to organize the reception (which is over 100 miles away from where we live)
• We are therefore over 100 miles away from the houses we are moving from, staying in our parental homes
• Gemma is starting her first ever job as a nurse on Monday
• I am also starting a new job next week, which I am very nervous about
• Oh, this job is overseas and my flight is on Tuesday

Somehow I can’t quite find the time to write blog posts between lugging the entire contents of our flat into our car (it has taken eight full trips so far), moving my belongings into securely packed containers, staying in my family’s home (which, whilst lovely isn’t exactly conductive to writing) and trying to tie up any and all loose ends before leaving.

Give it a week and the blog will be back 200%, since I’ll be in a strange new country where the only familiar thing is the internet.

There is something odd about the following newspaper clip:

It appears Madeline McCann has some sort of fucking crazy mutant DNA that is made from sedatives.

This is either going to blow the case (and the world of genetics) wide open, or the Sun needs to have somebody with a GCSE in some sort of science proofread their paper

I have recently been obtaining quotes from various shipping companies with regards to moving my stuff from one country to another. In my inbox today was an email from one of these firms letting me know about the particular benefits of their service. Here is the full list:

1. Free Supply of Packing Cartons and Cases
2. Free Delivery and Collection within the M25
3. Full BAR/IMMI Bonding Scheme (Giving Full Financial Protection).
4. Comprehensive Standard Liability protection
5. Fully Automatic Despatch Email System
6. Radio Controlled Vehicles

Do any of these look odd to you? (protip: 6)

I’m not entirely sure I want my whole life shipped around on one of these:

I have just read this article published on the BBC website. Here is a summary (from the RSS feed):

Teen binge-drinkers are more likely to use drugs, become alcoholics and have criminal convictions, research shows.

The article goes on to quote a bunch of statistics, which boil down to letting us know that:

• People who drink lots of booze become alcoholics
• People who like one drug also like another
• People with mental health problems tend to self medicate
• People who openly break rules set by their parents also go on to break societal rules and commit crimes

No shit, Sherlock.

I have a big problem with this news article* insofar as I recognise that correlation and causation are different things. To my mind a large part of what teenage drinking rates actually measure is a ‘propensity for risky teenage behaviour’. Teenagers who habitually engage in risky activities are more likely to drink, commit crimes and do lots of drugs.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I fully agree that a young teenager going out and binge drinking is ‘bad’ both medically (alcohol and the growing brain) and for society (asbo time!), but I also believe that it is a symptom of a much wider social problem and not its cause. As such when I read paragraphs like this:

“It confirms the view that early alcohol misuse can effectively haunt a young person well into adulthood, with all the implications to health and wellbeing that that can imply.”

I do get a little bit annoyed at what appears to me a pretty one-dimensional and shortsighted way of thinking (”Hey man, I notice that XXXXX correlates with crime rates, therefore the only possible solution is to regulate XXXXX“)

_{*I assume the whole thing has been trumped up by the media, and the actual scientific paper doesn’t go making the claims we see in the article. Reading between the lines it does look like the researchers are sensibly reserved and talk only about “policies in a range of areas” to cut down on alcohol abuse, whereas the government agencies are the ones spouting the ‘omg protect the children from the booze’ line}

A few days ago the BBC held its annual televised IQ test, Test the Nation. If you’re in the mood you can take the test yourself here and compare yourself to the British public. Bear in mind that a couple of the questions are geared specifically towards an english speaking, British audience and if you don’t fit into this category you may struggle with one or two.

The BBC seem quite happy that their televised test is an accurate indicator of IQ:

When each of the IQ tests was developed, some 130 items were administered to a representative sample of several hundred members of the UK population alongside a commercial intelligence test. The format was exactly the same as for the broadcast test (items being presented on a screen, individually timed) whilst the standard IQ test was given in the standard pencil-and-paper format. This allowed us to check that all sections of the test measured intelligence and to drop items that were exceptionally easy or difficult. Statistical analyses were also performed to gauge the amount of measurement error in the test and to check how closely scores on the TTN tests corresponded to scores on the conventional IQ test.

On the basis of these analyses, the broadcast tests seem to be as effective as many commercial products when administered under ideal conditions.

As part of the show they had a few different groups of 100 people taking the test in studio. One of these was a group of 100 clairvoyants, their average IQ?

Now, the IQ test is normalised such that the average over the whole population is 100 and the standard deviation is 15. I know from watching Forrest Gump (also from the wikipedia page on IQ) that somebody with an IQ of 70 is classed as “Educable Mentally Retarded”. We can now ask the question: What fraction of clairvoyants would be classed as mentally retarded?

If we assume that the standard deviation in the clairvoyant IQ has the same scatter as the population at large (sigma=15), then it’s easy to calculate that

Oh my!

There are all sorts of reasons that this may be. I think it’s likely that since the IQ test measures reasoning and logical ability, somebody with a job that requires the active supression of reason and logic is going to score inherently poorly.

disclaimer: I am well aware that ‘intelligence’ is something that it is not possible to encapsulate into a single number and as such have avoided using the term. The IQ test as administered by the BBC is a test of memory, logic and reasoning, but does not encompass creativity, personality, character, knowledge, or wisdom.

In preparation for my move to the Netherlands I’m currently packing all the belongings I don’t need into boxes for storage. Look at this picture of a PVR box, notice anything odd?

No? OK. ZOOM AND ENHANCE

It’s a fucking BLACK PANTHER edition personal video recorder. Somebody in a marketing department somewhere must have thought it sounded cool, and never bothered to check whether there happened to be a militant, marxist group by the same name.

Oops.

It seems to be something of a tradition for the elderly to decry the impertinence/lack of respect/greed/long hair/immodesty/immorality that they see in teenagers. Just for fun, see if you can guess where these quotes came from, I’ll stick the answer in the comments section sometime soon:

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly impatient of restraint.

and

The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.

For the past few weeks I have been listening to BBC Radio 4 at work. One of my favourite programs is the Round Britain quiz, billed as “questions which call for a certain degree of lateral thinking and draw upon knowledge in fields as diverse as literature, science, geography, and popular culture”. It’s essentially the quiz equivalent of the guardian cryptic crossword and is bloody rock hard.

Today I was especially pleased because I actually managed to get one of the questions correct! (well, it was the easiest question I have heard on the show and I only got the first two thirds without cheating) Here it is,

Potassium, nickel and iron are sharp; combining sulphur, gold and sodium produces steam; while dogs are happy with tungsten and silver. Of what is this symbolic?

Answer in the comments sometime tomorrow. You can check out the other questions in the program here

Given that I’ll be moving to the Netherlands in a few months I have been trying to learn Dutch. My main source of help is a few people in a Dutch language forum, who are very tolerant of my crappy Dutch and very patiently correct my grammar and spelling after I try to join in with their conversations. As part of one of my posts I asked a series of questions, the answer to one of them made me smile quite a lot. Here is a snippet of my original post:

Eerste hoeveel kost is een goedkope fiets? Tweede ik zag deze zin:

Don’t ever call a Dutch girl a ‘Breezah’ unless she tells you she is one.

Wat is een breezah?

First how much does a cheap bicycle cost? Secondly I read this sentence:

Don’t ever call a Dutch girl a ‘Breezah’ unless she tells you she is one.

What is a breezah?

I got the following answer:

Daarnaast kan je ’s avonds in de buurt van het Centraal Station nog wel eens een gestolen gevonden fiets overkopen van lugubere tiepetjes goudeerlijke burgers voor een euro of vijf. Niet doen als de politie in de buurt is, die hebben het niet zo op nachtelijke ruilhandel.

This boils down to: Hang around outside the train station at night. People sell stolen found bikes there. Be careful that the police aren’t watching as they do not approve of this sort of nocturnal trade.

Brilliant! One of our Dutch stereotypes confirmed! I think I’ll stick to getting a bike through legal channels, like marktplaats.nl, although I’m now wondering what fraction of the bikes on there are stolen.

late edit: About breezahs:

Een breezah is een jong meisje dat veel Bacardi Breezer drinkt.
Heeft meestal de reputatie van een sletje.

(A breezah is a young girl that drinks a lot of Bacardi Breezers.
Most have the reputation of being a little bit slutty.)

Other replies let me know that they are basically the dutch equivalent of chavs, except probably with a little bit more style.

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